 December 28, 2005 - Rob Thomas Concert Review - December 24, 2005 - shortest entry ever on nothing else but Love - December 20, 2005 - Hate it or Love it... - December 11, 2005 - Long time coming, but this is good - May 24, 2005 - Loads of gorgeous girls...not in here - |
APHIE'S RANTS AND PIECES
2001-09-19 - 1:53 p.m. - Frustrated at non-closure of problems WARNING: THIS IS DARK Have you ever had a problem that has lasted so long that you suddenly think that frustrated is not a good enough word to kindly encapsulate the generality and futility of its resolution? I have that same problem staring at me close at hand and it has lasted so long, that sometimes I think I lived life as another being, in another person, as some body else when I didn't have that problem hovering over me, and that this new person has forver been burdened with this to last all their life. Frustration is not what I call it. It is more of futile and in some ways life-theatening so much that my sanity seems to be dangling by a thread. I read someone's journal today, actually, where she said that the terrorists that attacked the WTC and etc might not have HATED US (as we thought was the case) but where possibly, instead FRUSTRATED. They might have felt like a frustrated little ant trying to get their points of life and co-habitation across to the big being known as MAN, and trying to resolve possible ways at both of them having a fair share of life without running into each other or being bullied by Big Man. I can relate to that. Why? Because believe it or not...this problem of mine does involve some measure of frustration at its evasive resolution, and it also involves some amount of bullying, pressuring, trampling and dwindling hope of co-habitation with me and the ideals in me. Because the problem is trampling on my existence, on my sanity on my life as God must have somehow thought it out to be; and no matter how I try to exhale in the choking whirlwind of its compressure, I can't breathe well, I still seem to be choking with every conflicting angle that rears its head. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO. When I started this Diaryland it was reasonably like a breath of fresh air to me bcause then I had all these feelings, and thoughts, and rabid hatred and angst that I needed to let out to just anyone. I thought I could do so freely with some communities (egroups/mailing lists) that I had joined, but that only made it worse. I got to see a different side to people online and the side I wanted which was a friend was the side least given to me. Then, I felt my sanity crumbling until I came across someone's journal on diaryland, and it opened up my eyes and mind to a venue where one's thoughts are not judged or criticized but open and free and let out, without choking up inside them. Now that I have it I can say that the measure of my dwindling sanity at the time has been somewhat reduced by at least 20% since I got it. (it would be better if I had more friends, better hits or someone on my notify list but I am not complaining. we do not have diaries to be popular or competitive, we have them to resolve the issues inside us on the web) But this problem of mine...still remains. Diaryland or not. I shall be a happier person, a better person, writer, sister, and daughter of GOd and of man if only I knew what my destiny was to be if I had not encountered this situation in my life. But I still keep the hope of seeing a flicker of light at the end of the tunnel, happy to say that the second it is resolved, all of you on DL shall know ME. Not the DL me, but me, and shall be let into what most people have often asked me, "Who I am?" and shall encounter a better friend. Not the evasive young lady I am now, who seems to derive so much pleasure in hiding behind her dreams and fantasies, however stupid and childish they are. Not the confused, childish, playfully silly, reckless, compounded person I force you all to read about day to day. But a regular day old Jane. I am just frustrated that that time seems to stretch that closure away from me. These are the happy pictures I have for long been itching to send out. Now seems like a good as time as any.
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