 July 14, 2007 - To Loft or not to Loft - March 06, 2007 - American sojourn - February 15, 2007 - More Bad News...you'd think I'd be used to it by now - February 11, 2007 - Corporate America Rant continues - February 01, 2007 - Graduate Career Search in Corporate America is a Fucked Up Campaign - |
APHIE'S RANTS AND PIECES
August 20, 2004 - 2:03 p.m. - My life, my mess, my love....KR Guess who maybe getting married? KR...and it is not to me. Who would have thunk that? To think the "news" was released on Monday but yours truly, a supposed fan didn't get to know about this until, yesterday. And then, I hear it with a tagline that says, it's just a rumor, gossip, nothing of the sort, etc. I don't care, the important thing is there's no smoke without fire, he must be seeing someone so seriously for the rumor to even erupt, if he were single and ready to mingle then, we would be saying something totally different, but he is dating, and who knew about that too. I tried to find out why I was so distraught by the news. I was somewhat consoled to read about other KR fans being shook up by the news as well. I know this news will come someday. He is not a stick, I know eventually he will want to procreate and he must be praying to fall hopelessly in love with some woman and when he finally does, of cos he is going to want to marry her. Yeah, that day will come, I know it. I just don't think I am prepared to handle my feelings on that day. I cannot control how my heart would take a plunge and I would feel a pity party for myself that a) it is not to me (like it would ever really be who are we kidding) and then b) that the girl must be so lucky to have him love her. I think I am mostly perturbed because I do not have someone of my own. I wish I did. I pray to God almost everyday that I do find real love and soon too. I think this is the main reason why I feel bad that he may be getting married soon. When you think you are experiencing some of the same things with someone, if that person ever does accomplish something that you have only been hoping to accomplish, it just shakes the foundation for you, and you become shaky and uncertain and distrusting of your path, your life's direction. I don't know, this is all mumbo-jumbo, I suppose. I just want to wake up one day and not be in love with him. This is insane. Incredibly insane. I just have the willpower not to stalk him asides from that, I am hopelessly hooked. If I could get something from this, it would be understandable that this is what loving him and pinning for the impossible has taught me, but instead I feel helpless and bound by this obsession. It's bad enough that this would happen at a time when I most emotional, before his birthday. I am always in pieces then, it's often the worst Keanu time for me. But, then, they go bring this up. Ouch!! All through yesterday I kept saying, I have had two great loves in my life, one I have been blessed to be with and know, this one, is impossible, so why then is it a great love? Maybe the third would be it, who knows? So that's me, that's where I've been, where I am at, and what my sick deluded mind has been up to. I can only say this here because a) no one reads this shit b) I know he will never read it (even though I secretly wish that he will.) My life, my mess, my loves...KR. back track - fast forward - history aphie's chronicles - aphie's transcripts tell aphie you read her work - 
|