 December 28, 2005 - Rob Thomas Concert Review - December 24, 2005 - shortest entry ever on nothing else but Love - December 20, 2005 - Hate it or Love it... - December 11, 2005 - Long time coming, but this is good - May 24, 2005 - Loads of gorgeous girls...not in here - |
APHIE'S RANTS AND PIECES
September 21, 2004 - 10:22 p.m. - there was a time when I thought you'd stop this uncertainty It's September 21st and I am still here! Those were the words I said to myself today as I walked out of work. Sometime last month or the month before that, or the month before that I would never have thunk that I would have held it in me this long to still be working where I am at. I am. I thank God either way. On the one hand, He could have made all those other tremendous opportunities that I hoped and asked for to work out, to just materialise, but he didn't. And I am still here. Or He could have gone the other way, I may have lost it, which I am still praying that I don't and just gone the hell outta there and lived on bread and water until the bills choked me. And I am still here. I am still hanging on, even though it's by a thread. I think the stack of bills and my sister's condescending tone to me if I tell her I wimped out on it, are keeping me still involved in this project. I don't know what it is. I just never imagined I would still be. My imagination had dreamt up the glorious day so many times that it saddens and frustrates me every time. On the drive to work, sitting in my car during lunch, driving home, sitting in front of the computer at night. It just saddens me and drains me, at times I "wimp" out and cry softly as if the neighbors could hear me. But I am still here. I didn't really want to talk about this but there's nothing really to say. Nothing else actually. Someone once told me that you should never let people know that you are aching. You should put up a bold front and just smile. Really! I understood the importance of writing anything in a journal no matter what when last night, after my "episode" I logged on to my archives and glanced upon one of my old entries. It was me 5 days into my new job. I was sad. I was saddened by something, an indescribable pain was sucking me, and I didn't know what it was. Amazing. Now, reading it, it's the realization. The "what have you gotten yourself into this time, girl?" euphoria that was casting a shadow over me, and I didn't know. I had no idea. I wish I did. My boss asked us to write a little piece about ourselves, something witty and charming to put up on the website. Every other person's reads like, they love the job, love the life, love, love, love everything. I keep saying to myself whenever he requests this in an email. I look up at the date and I hiss, "Surely, there has to be a reasonable explanation for the fact that I am still here on...*insert date here*, reading this inconsequential email." And I know my summary shall read thus: If you are reading this that means, I am still here. And I really don't want to be. I shall never stop talking about my pain, it's the only method that alleviates it. Read at your own risk. I just want to believe, even though it's hard with all this pain and sadness and disappointment engulfing me, that God has a bigger plan. I am "it." back track - fast forward - history aphie's chronicles - aphie's transcripts aphie's other personality - aphie's diary rings tell aphie you read her work - 
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