 July 14, 2007 - To Loft or not to Loft - March 06, 2007 - American sojourn - February 15, 2007 - More Bad News...you'd think I'd be used to it by now - February 11, 2007 - Corporate America Rant continues - February 01, 2007 - Graduate Career Search in Corporate America is a Fucked Up Campaign - |
APHIE'S RANTS AND PIECES
July 04, 2004 - 6:14 p.m. - Do you see me? Did you see me? I am the one with her head in the clouds wondering why the smile isn't so proud no matter how high her aim is to reach into the place where her heart cannot take the pain of her distress, and the anger that she cannot attain that goal that is set for years and no matter how she yells, screams and begs, she cannot hold onto the dream that the clouds have yet to redeem. Did you see me? Or where you lost wondering why I had succumbed to being this darkened soul. With a sorrow that has become her own. I was the one in the dress, the bright red one with the slits, that reflected inside the sin so pale, so worn from her scale at the pace you cannot imagine, and I walked with a certainty that is only known to the weak. But the wind blew me away, to a place that was far away and I fell and I hurt and cried, and wondered, why, why, cant you see me, I had worn this dress for you, for you I said. This is the day that you see me, that I can tell you this is me. Did you see me? Or where you lost in the gaze that my sullen face had put you? I wish you could see me, cos here I am. I want you to see me. This is one of my favorite poems. I often recite words from it to myself in my hour of distress when something happens to me and I feel like I am being ignored and no one wants to notice the talent that is me, or the skills or the personality that I can boast of. I often, say, Did you see me or where you too busy not looking at me? It is amazing how many times you think people look past you in life, they just look from you to another and it's somewhat painful and just disconcerting as if there's ahole in your chest that they look through and they look from there to someone else and pretend this is not the person that we want to see right now. We want to look to another. I went and saw Spiderman 2 twice this weekend. Not that I like the movie that much. trust me, I am not a geeky comic fan, and Kirtsen Dinst just does not do it for me. I went on my own and the second time my family forced me to join them in the theaters so we can laugh at it together. In my mind, I kept thinking is this Tobey Maguire. I can't look past the geeky roles that he played, that I grew up watching him in. I often take note of stars that I share the same birth years with and he and Leonardo are some of them. But he has matured so much from that geek type person to this man that channels his anger and manliness in a sound sort of way. I came home and I dug up my old Details Issue that had him opn the cover with the back story of how they fired him from that movie and he "begged" to come back. How has my life been in the interim? Bland, spendful, and in need of excitement. If that excitement happens to be a man, even better, but right now, I could use excitement of any kind, something that lifted me from this drudge I seemed to be accustomed to. I spend my weekends eating. I order two entrees of Thai food, loads of beer and my computer and TV to keep me nestled in my apartment. I don't know why I feel the urge to want to enjoy my home, I shouldn't because I am keeping myself away from the world whatever there is to keep about myself. But why have a fancy apartment if I can't or don't want to spend time in it. Now, you know why people don't see me? I miss London. The way the streets and the apartments are built so closely together and the open markets. I love that. I miss driving to the beach when I am bored and need to think, on a hot afternoon, I just lay there and bask in it. I miss my friends crashing my house and ordering me to fix them something to eat while we talk about boys and everything that we hate about those lots. I miss laughing, not that I don't laugh now, but I don't have those girly laughs. I miss entertaining and being entertained. I never get to do that at all. Some of the things I miss I have been able to achieve (I used to miss driving myself, now I do that everyday) and the others, like those above, are still to come. So that's what my life has been like in the interim. It's always about me. back track - fast forward - history aphie's chronicles - aphie's transcripts tell aphie you read her work - 
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