December 19, 2004 - 10:18 p.m. - Aphie's Year in Review of 2004
Like everything there is the good side and the “not so good” side to events in my life and this year was filled with so many ironies, I just hope I make it to the 31st without having to edit this list.
The list of events.
1) I turned 30, aargh!
2) I lived to see my 30th Birthday.
3) I had sex for the first time in 4 years
4) I realized I really wasn’t missing anything after all those years. It still feels like you lose a part of yourself and your giving a part of yourself to something that is never worth it.
5) I changed jobs, got a $10,000 hike in pay and it felt good to see my paycheck.
6) The job turned out to be misdirection for my career and I really don’t like it anymore.
7) I made a lot more money than I imagined I would be making at this point and so soon in the game, in comparison to this time two years ago.
8) I bounced more checks and angered that secret accountant inside of me who wonders till this day why I charge a case of beer to my credit card.
9) I promised to lose 30 pounds by my 30th Birthday.
10) More like, gained 30 pounds by my 30th birthday. It is so bad that my mum wears a size lower than I do.
11) Keanu turned 40 and there were rumors of his engagement.
12) Like I said rumors. Phew!
13) I moved to a much bigger apartment in the neighborhood of my dreams, and waking up here is just like heaven.
14) No matter how posh the living quarters may be it still feels cold and unwelcoming without someone to share it with.
15) I got to interview with two of the biggest law firms in Atlanta.
16) You can only guess I didn’t get the job and losing them just hurt more than you can imagine.
17) I cried more times this year than I care to remember. I had episodes when my head and my heart would just shut down my body and leave me feeling still and numb, unable to comprehend what direction I am going.
18) I read more books this year than I did in the past and I appreciated the healing words of literature and how it can take you to places and through people’s lives that you may never encounter in yours.
19) Following the not so promising job change and disappointing interviews, I had to think deeply, deeply and seriously about my career, my life, and what kind of work I want to do, I enjoy doing, and what kind of work would make my life seem more meaningful.
20) I discovered that I had to go the intellectual route as opposed to the creative route, which was my real reason for relocating to this F*&^% place.
21) I finally enrolled in school to study my Masters.
22) I am still studying the Common Law of England, which doesn’t mean squat to the average American; it has sapped all the money out of my credit cards and I still don’t know what I am doing or why.
23) My oldest friend got married.
24) We no longer speak because I didn’t attend the wedding and she thinks I did that because I was envious of her situation.
25) I discovered, that dreams come true in doses and to people that may not necessarily be you.
26) I discovered that I might be by myself for a very long time.
27) Inasmuch as that may be the case, I still want love, crazy super love, the kind that makes you really happy and fulfilled.
28) I realized that I don’t really know what God wants from me in this world, but I can only hope it is my happiness and success in all things, not just my career, but also my personal life.
29) And to everything else, I just woke up one day and really didn’t care so much anymore.
30) In some minute way, I am glad that I am alive, but I don’t want to live if I can never achieve my dream of being here.
Things just get so crazy, living life gets hard to do…
Sunday Morning, lyrics by Adam Levine.
Battle is almost won and, you’re only
several miles from the sun.
The Sun, by Adam Levine.
I am taking my freedom, putting it on the shelf, wearing it around my neck, wherever I choose to go.
Golden by Hill Scott
The most challenging and intense relationship you can have is the one that you have with yourself, and if you can find that person who loves you for who you are, well that’s just fabulous.
Carrie Bradshaw at the Sex and the City finale
I need to leave this place / my mind needs to be in a space / where my head feels light and my heart soars / I need to be still / so I can listen to what the quiet of my heart has to tell me / so I can be sane enough to pay attention /
By Yours Truly
There must be some place along the route, a halfway house in time, where the runners may pause and ask themselves why they run, what is the prize and is it the prize they really want?
A Collection of Beauties—at the height of their popularity by Whitney Otto
Know where you’ve been but don’t live in the past. Know where you’re going, you need concrete goals even if they’re short-term but the most important thing is to know who you are.
Astonishingly as I read on, I felt not jealousy but a grown detachment from that which had previously absorbed me. A small Martian in a shiny helmet and kneepads streaked along the path, followed by a puffing adult. It was not that I did not care, but I did not care so very much anymore.
Revenge of the Middle-Aged Woman By Elizabeth Buchan.
She couldn’t have said this better.
Hope 2005 is a heck of whole lot better.
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